Logic has no imagination "Failing isn't the end of the world. Quitting is."
- moi?

"At the end of this, no one will remember what you said. But people will remember what you do."
- Arthur Smith, C.E.O. of GS1 Canada

"i want what all men want. i just want it more."
- Kobe Bryant

"Heart is what separates the good from the great"
- Michael Jordan

only the struggle makes it worth it...
only the pain makes it sweet...
and only victory is the answer"

- Nike

"When that blood gets riled up, you're still going to see some of what they say is immaturity."

"It's not what you know. It's what you can prove."
-Denzel Washington in Training Day
Kanye West - I Wonder
Find your dreams come true
And I wonder if you know
What it means, what it means

And I wonder if you know
What it means, what it means
And I wonder if you know
What it means to find your dreams

I've been waiting on this my whole life
These dreams be waking me up at night
You say I think I'm never wrong
You know what, maybe you're right, aight


You say he get on your fucking nerves
You hope that he get what he deserves, word
Do you even remember what the issue is
You just trying to find where the tissue is
You can still be who you wish you is
It ain't happen yet
And that's what the intuition is
When you hop back in the car
Drive back to the crib
Run back to their arms
The smokescreens
The chokes and the screams
You ever wonder what it all really mean


And I'm back on my grind
A psychic read my lifeline
Told me in my lifetime
My name would help light up the Chicago skyline
And that's what I'm
Seven o'clock, that's primetime
Heaven'll watch, God calling from the hot lines
Why he keep giving me hot lines
I'm a star, how could I not shine
How many ladies in the house
How many ladies in the house without a spouse
Something in your blouse got me feeling so aroused
What you about
On that independent shit
Trade it all for a husband and some kids
You ever wonder what it all really mean
You ever wonder if you'll find your dreams
Sunday, November 30, 2003

you want what you cant have.... what an interesting concept... very interesting indeed... i mean... theres so many instances where thats true.. no?

ppl believe they understand me... ppl believe they are able to interpret the things i say, the way i act, the way i think, the reasoning and logic behind everything i do....

you fools


posted by jonathan at 1:51 AM ||

Thursday, November 27, 2003

just to touch on my previous post... i think ppl misinterpreted it.. ppl think i was talking bout some particular person? i was actually talking about myself... it was a reflection... well that ruined the whole aura of the post, but... yeh... so ppl understand it better, i had to state it..


after playing about 10hrs of ball the past 3 days, i sat and watched ppl play for half an hour to an hour... one person caught my attention... not cause he was good, but cause he sucked ass... he had the asian hair parted in the middle, wore a blue baggy nautica shirt, extremely baggy jordan shorts, and last year's iverson shoes.. he tried to dress like a baller, but he.... had no skill let's say... he tried to practice dribbling to show off and such... but his shot sucked and he had no defense... more often than not, he was slacking off on the court... he was too worried bout his hair than playing.. this is one thing that annoys me so much.. every asian there who had the 'asian' hair always worried bout their hair more than playing... why even play? just sit in front of a mirror and comb it 24/7 pls.. dont waste space on the court...

anyways, what caught my attention bout the guy is that he reminded me of me 2, 3 years ago when i had the long asian hair and all i cared bout on the court was my hair... all i wanted to do was dribble and score.. i think i've matured from then.. hopefully.. i never had the baggy shorts down 3/4 of my leg, but i tried to dress like a baller... quite unsuccessfully too, haha..

hmmm.. i guess the point is that as Christians, we can dress like one (with our wwjd bracelets and all) and talk like one (quoting bible verses), but if we can't back ourselves up on the court as one (living as one), then we're not actually doing what we're supposed to do... our talk and appearance will deceive others... lets back our talk up... lets not worry bout the superficial things (such as hair, haha)... lets keep focus on what we need to do... which is to play basketball when we're on the courts!! (or living a Christian life, whichever one you choose, haha)

p.s. i miss my asian hair


posted by jonathan at 9:20 PM ||

Thursday, November 20, 2003

look at who you were before... go through the pictures, recall the faded memories, imagine how you were in the past...

now, fast-forward to today.. look at yourself in the mirror... look at who you are, look at what you do... notice the changes... now explain to yourself... WHAT happened... WHEN did this happen... HOW did this happen... and maybe most importantly... WHY did this happen...

you are just a shadow of your former self.. a leftover of what you could've been... a hint of what your future held in store for you... but no... it's all gone now... you are nothing except the remains of a has-been...

did you deserve it... oh yes you did... everything you did.. everything you thought... has transformed you into who you are now today... you have been influenced by everything and everybody who was in your path... you have nobody to blame but yourself... you changed... you changed for the worst... you should be disgusted with yourself...



posted by jonathan at 12:52 AM ||

Monday, November 17, 2003

just came back from dinner at quarters with my small group Balance... hehe.. we made a cheer.. it's... ONE TWO THREE BALANCE! yes, very sports oriented, just the way i like it

but it was good to see ppl and just chat and have a good time (and eat 2lbs of wings)...

in this crazy fast-paced world of ours, it'd be beneficial to SLOW DOWN, and enjoy the finer things in life... we all need to slow down.. "but i dont have time!".. just do it.. slow down, it's healthier... helps you relax... helps you put things in perspective.. gives you time to think or just rest... BREATHE a little, live a little!

i believe i've gotten my wakeup call... how will i respond though... time will tell...

(by the way, i love the matrix movies, and i love the character agent Smith... hugo weaving must be the best actor )
"could it be for love? ILLUSIONS mr. anderson, vagaries of perception"


posted by jonathan at 9:25 PM ||

i've had a craptacular day.. bad test mark + bad playing in basketball = bad day

but God has his ways of cheering me up... on my way back, i bump into many ppl and have a 1min chat with each of em.. even though it's only 1min each, it really helps..

friends rule


posted by jonathan at 3:03 PM ||

Saturday, November 15, 2003

i passed out at 430pm today... literally... didnt get up till 730... good thing the guys waited for me for guys night out... i'm mentally exhausted.. the calc tests marks are up.. i dont even wanna look... my friend called me to tell me they're up.. but i... didnt wanna face reality i guess...

when something hurts, i naturally like to avoid it... makes sense no? if something hurts, i avoid.. when i avoid, i dont get hurt.. but i can only avoid for so long.. reality catches up sooner than most think.. reality will sink in soon... it doesnt matter how long you've avoided it for... we must realize the truth...


posted by jonathan at 12:57 AM ||

Thursday, November 13, 2003

i feel like... i'm missing out on stuff... what stuff? i have no clue in the world... something seems to be missing in me... what, i do not know... i get these.... phases... where i yearn to do something... yet... i dont act on it... i have all these ideas in my mind, yet it's never been put to use... i take no initiative...

i have no clue what i'm talking about anymore... my mind is blanking out once again... i need a break from life... where is the FUN in life...

i'm too tired now... the fight in me is dying... part of me is dying... i'm about to give in soon... i'm too weak... i cannot continue on with this fight one fight all attitude... part of me is telling myself to give in and give up... i've been through too much... i can only take so much before i die... the other part of me is telling me to keep fighting... to keep resisting the temptation to quit... if i've come through on every occasion in my life, i can come through in this instance... if i quit, i lose respect for myself... what am i to do?? i'm about to break............

i cannot fully comprehend myself... maybe i'm too scared of what i may find out... i'm scared of myself?

i finally got around to doing some devos (from september), and this is what i found while reading:

Henri J. M. Nouwen - Permit YOUR pain to become THE pain

Your pain, deep as it is, is connected with specific
circumstances. You do not suffer in the abstract. You suffer because
someone hurts you at a specific time and in a specific place. Your
feelings of rejection, abandonment, and uselessness are rooted in the
most concrete events.
In this way all suffering is unique.
THis is
eminently true of the suffering of Jesus. His disciples left him,
Pilate condemned him, Roman soldiers tortured and crucified him.

Still, as long as you keep pointing to the specifics, you will
miss the full meaning of your pain. You will decieve yourself into
believing that if the people, circumstances, and events had been
different, your pain would not exist. THis might be partly true, but
the deeper truth is that the situation which brought about your pain
was simply the form in which you came in touch with the human
condition of suffering. Your pain is the concrete way in which you
participate in the pain of humanity.

Paradoxically, therefore, healing means moving from YOUR pain to
THE pain. When you keep focusing on the specific circumstances of
your pain, you easily become angry, resentful, and even vindictive.
YOu are inclined to do something about the extenals of your pain in
ourder to relieve it; this explains why you often seek revenge. But
real healing comes from realizing that your own particular pain is a
share in humanitiy's pain. That realization allows you to forgive
your enemies and enter into a truly compassionate life.
That is the
way of Jesus, who prayed on the cross: "Father forgive them for they
do not know what they are doing" (Luke 23:34). Jesus' suffering,
concerete as it was, was the suffering of all humanity. HIS pain was
THE pain.

Every time you can shift your attentiion away from the external
situation that caused your pain and focus on the pain of humanity in
which you participate, your suffering becomes easier to bear. IT
becomes a "light burden" and an "easy yoke" (Matthew 11:30) Once you
discover that you are called to live in solidarity with the hungry,
the homeless, the prisoners, the refugees, the sick, and the dying,
your very personal pain begins to be converted into THE pain and you
find new strength to live it. Herin lies the hope of all Christians.


posted by jonathan at 9:15 PM ||

Wednesday, November 12, 2003

WHY DID LAMOND MURRAY SHOOT THAT BALL???? he is the reason the raptors lost the game... vince would've made that shot to tie FOR SURe... but the coach wanted the ball in lamond's hands... WHY? he hasnt hit anything but bricks the whole season!!! WHAT THE HELL???????????

see... things like this are mind-boggling and need an explanation... but like many things in life, it will forever mind-boggle you and it will/can never be explained... what am i alluding to? draw your own conclusions

and the ppl who deserve the ball/deserve better in life never do... life's not fair, is it? not on Earth anyways... but Judgement day will come, and all wrong will be corrected...

[exeunt in anger]

posted by jonathan at 12:26 AM ||

Tuesday, November 11, 2003

looking back through old emails (forwards and the such) (while 'studying' for my calc test in 3 hours time), i realized how horrible of a person i was/am... this one particular email stood out... it was one of those forwards that you fill in bout the person who sent to you, etc. this one person kept calling me a liar... and... i guess.. it was/is true.... and i know she was hurt and meant it when she said it.... i dunno what to say... i cant justify my actions... i know i wasnt right... blah.. thats how i'm feeling after i read it... blah... i'm going to go study in blahness now...

[exeunt in blahness]

posted by jonathan at 5:00 PM ||

Monday, November 10, 2003

Oasis - Live Forever (yes, listening to it once again, i get this phase once in a while)

Maybe I don't really want to know
How your garden grows
I just want to fly
Lately did you ever feel the pain
In the morning rain
As it soaks it to the bone

Maybe I just want to fly
I want to live I don't want to die
Maybe I just want to breath
Maybe I just don't believe

Maybe you're the same as me
We see things they'll never see
You and I are gonna live forever

Maybe I don't really want to know
How your garden grows
I just want to fly

Lately did you ever feel the pain
In the morning rain
As it soaks it to the bone

Maybe I will never be
All the things that I want to be
But now is not the time to cry
Now's the time to find out why

I think you're the same as me
We see things they'll never see
You and I are gonna live forever
We're gonna live forever
Gonna live forever
Live forever

posted by jonathan at 1:34 AM ||

Sunday, November 09, 2003

painful memories fading
peace is on my face
i belong to Jesus
in a community of grace

can this ever hold true...............

posted by jonathan at 3:19 PM ||

Monday, November 03, 2003

hmmm... what's on my mind...

they say eyes reveal the most about ppl... well, look into my eyes, and tell me what you see.. what do you see?? chances are you're wrong.. nobody knows me.. my eyes are stone-cold, they show no emotion.. sometimes i scare myself.. next time you see me, take a good look at my eyes..

do ppl try too hard to be unique these days? i think so.. be yourself pls..

why do ppl like to take the blame all the time? does it make them feel better to think that they're responsible for whatever whatever? do they feel forced to be the 'bigger person' and take the blame? take the blame where blame is due, but.. pls.. dont force it upon yourself

i dont like it when stuff is overrated.. it's so... annoying to hear ppl praising something that's overrated.. like.. it's not important, yet ppl put so much importance into it...

anyways.. a common theme i think bout is FAKENESS... so many ppl are fake, and i see it right through them.. but.. sometimes.. i cant tell ppl they're fake.. cause.. they'll never believe me............. it's all political... EVERYTHING is political

but i'm saying it right now... if YOU (some ppl know, most ppl probably dont) EVER touch me, i will punch you, i dont care if it's in church.. if you have the balls to do it in church, then you deserve it in church.. you are a GRADE A ASSHOLE, i have no doubts bout it? you act like such a good and wise guy to ppl in church.. wow, i wish i could spread propaganda like you do... ASSHOLE

wow... it's nov 4 now, and i'm finished with my 3rd last midterm... 1 next week, and 1 the week after that, then it's exams.. i felt..so.. POWERFUL today.. for some reason... well.. i crammed, and crammed and crammed, and i wasnt prepared for the algebra midterm at all, but God helped me by giving a fair test... after i finished, i had this powerful feeling inside me for some reason... i felt more energetic, more free, more relaxed than ever... then i went to play chess... i have met my match at mac.. he's in 1st year health sci... i was so arrogant going into the 1st game, and i got crushed as i made bout 5 mistakes... 5 too many mistakes for chess.. but i settled down and drew the 2nd game.. then i was tired mentally.. but it was fun to play my 1st real competitive chess game since... since... gr 12 1st semester against this guy at clarkson... i'll look forward to our next game..

but yeh, my mind was so free, i was able to put so many things into perspective.. i cant remember em right now, haha, but i was at peace with myself for a little while... but now, it's back to the way it was... i'm cold-blooded, heartless, and willing to take anybody down who's in my way..

i promise myself i will be the most focussed on school in my life starting now... there's too many things i NEED, not want, to prove to myself and to others........... IT IS TIME

posted by jonathan at 5:15 PM ||

Sunday, November 02, 2003

ok, i've been forced to do this.. but chicken-poo made me post a survey.... yesterday, i cut my hair really short, it's only 1cm long now... SO low maintenance... but i'm thinking of growing it back, so that it splits in the middle and such and such.. the phase from 5 years ago! now.. the survey.. what should i do with my hair?

1) grow it long
2) keep it REALLY short
3) in between (like how it's been for the past 2, 3 years)
4) you could care less bout my hair

just click on the comment link and post what your thoughts

posted by jonathan at 10:39 PM ||

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