Logic has no imagination
"Failing isn't the end of the world. Quitting is."
"At the end of this, no one will remember what you said. But people will remember what you do."
- Arthur Smith, C.E.O. of GS1 Canada
"i want what all men want. i just want it more."
- Kobe Bryant
"Heart is what separates the good from the great"
- Michael Jordan
only the struggle makes it worth it...
only the pain makes it sweet...
and only victory is the answer"
"When that blood gets riled up, you're still going to see some of what they say is immaturity."
"It's not what you know. It's what you can prove."
-Denzel Washington in Training Day
Kanye West - I Wonder
Find your dreams come true
And I wonder if you know
What it means, what it means
And I wonder if you know
What it means, what it means
And I wonder if you know
What it means to find your dreams
I've been waiting on this my whole life
These dreams be waking me up at night
You say I think I'm never wrong
You know what, maybe you're right, aight
You say he get on your fucking nerves
You hope that he get what he deserves, word
Do you even remember what the issue is
You just trying to find where the tissue is
You can still be who you wish you is
It ain't happen yet
And that's what the intuition is
When you hop back in the car
Drive back to the crib
Run back to their arms
The chokes and the screams
You ever wonder what it all really mean
And I'm back on my grind
A psychic read my lifeline
Told me in my lifetime
My name would help light up the Chicago skyline
And that's what I'm
Seven o'clock, that's primetime
Heaven'll watch, God calling from the hot lines
Why he keep giving me hot lines
I'm a star, how could I not shine
How many ladies in the house
How many ladies in the house without a spouse
Something in your blouse got me feeling so aroused
What you about
On that independent shit
Trade it all for a husband and some kids
You ever wonder what it all really mean
You ever wonder if you'll find your dreams
Thursday, January 29, 2004
you have to go through the present to get to the future...
i must focus on the present goals and accomplish what needs to be done, so that i can reach my future goals..
guess i'm a little rusty after not playing for 2, 3 months, but i was.. shocked and stunned when i made my 1 error... i played a good game up to that point... i gave myself a chance to win... but 1 dumb move was all it took for me to lose..
there's something bout losing at chess that makes me uneasy.. it's different from losing at other things.. in school, you can always say the teacher was biased or the tests were extremely difficult... in sports you could always blame it on the teammates, the refs, the weather, the opponents getting lucky, etc. however, in chess, you are in control of your own fate.. you get to control the pieces... you get to trick the opponent.. whatever good moves, you take credit for it... but it's the same for your bad moves as well... and very often, 1 bad move is all it takes for you to lose..
in chess, you are in control of your outcome... win, lose, or draw, it's decided by you... so when i lost today, i knew it was my fault.. i couldnt blame it on anything... thats why i'm so angry, since i made a bad judgement call...
it's such a complex game.. so many different scenarios are possible in the game... there's more than 20,000 moves you can make on your 1st 2 moves of the game.. wow
but isnt life like chess as well? there are many choices to make.. you make good choices, you feel good... but if you make a bad choice, you will be punished... the opponent in life is basically satan.. you make good moves, you avoid sin, and God is happy... you make bad moves, you sin, and satan is happy since he takes more and more pieces of yours... if you make too many bad moves, satan will eventually have your whole heart, and not just bits and pieces of it.. and you will lose... to satan... and be punished...
however, if you win.. you'll have defeated satan, and God will be happy.. and you'll be happy
im sick of not procrastinating
im sick of achieving nothing
im sick of not living up to my potential
im sick of not coming anywhere near my goals
im sick of being out of shape
im sick of being judged
im sick of having my faith questioned (ex. ppl telling me i'm not Christian enough)
im sick of ppl telling ppl what to do or should do with their lives/judging (ex. this person should do this instead of that)
[expanding on that.. you dunno any of the reasons that this person is doing this or that.. so why judge? you're uninformed.. you only see the face value, you dunno anything beneath that.. dont judge)
im sick of being angry
im sick of being sad
im sick of wasting my time
im sick of wasting my life
im sick of being a hypocrite
im sick of not looking at the big picture
im sick of ppl trying to be 'cool'
im sick of not doing whats right
im sick of forgetting whats right
im sick of caring
i dont care anymore.. go away, just go away everybody... i need to hibernate and recollect my thoughts
today, my friend came over to leach a few movies to use for winter retreat this weekend... after that, he was gonna go to class and i was gonna go workout, but we decided to go downstairs to go bother another friend to waste time... so us 3 decide to go out and 'build snowman'.. but me and my friend had decided to push her into the snow instead, hahaha.... however, we decided not to... since she wasnt wearing snowpants, and we didnt wanna be too mean.. it ended up with us 3 just throwing snow at each other.. i won, i got snow on both their heads, haha..
well the POINT of this is that i got to know both my friends better... i dont exactly hang out with him or her, but this little 'bonding time' let me see a different side of both of them.. i always had this belief that these 2 didnt have an extremely playful side to them, or any playful side at all.. but today proved my very wrong.. i have a different view of them now... and i'm glad.. cause it'd suck to keep thinking the way i used to bout em... wasnt quite fair..
i'm very grateful God gives me these moments to learn more bout ppl... something came out of nothing, it's quite amazing..
"no matter what people do to me
no matter what people say to me
your promises never break away
you carry me through the day"
OneCross - "Overload" from the "Clearly Distorted" album
time to reflect on 2003 and my life...
i'll just go over 2003 month by month and then have actual deep thoughts after...
january: started out the year with a bang... started going to WAY the first friday of the year.. it was skating at nathan philips square.. the reason was simple.. i went because of somebody, not because of God.. later on in the month, i had exams and stressed quite a bit for em... it was the year of the double cohort and competition was gonna be tough... my marks were nowhere close to where i wanted em... and they didnt end up where i wanted either... my first semester was a complete failure... on the plus side, i kept on going to WAY.. on the negative side.. zits popped up everywhere... oh yeh, i applied to 5 unis... queens, mac, laurier, u of t downtown, u of t mississauga... all for commerce (except for laurier, where i applied for economics).. preference was in that order..
february: fresh semester to start off with... had 3 maths (calc, algeo, stats/finite) and a gym (my spare)... i had goals for this semester... high ones.. i wanted to ace all 3 math courses.. ace=100%.. didnt go to the WAY winter retreat... spent the time doing something that i thought was right at the time.... but in retrospect, i shouldnt've.. and... it turned out to be a disaster cause i handled it wrong... one of my greatest regrets.. zits kept popping up
march: slept through march break... i should've went to TC as it was my last year to go and i never before... but instead of listening to friends, i listened to myself and valued sleep over TC... another regret... started this blog based on the advice of the "wise one".. more zits
april: hell broke loose.. prom was coming up.. and each table only seated 10 ppl, and my friends and i had to decide on how to seat ourselves on the tables... something happened... my friend had an idea, i didnt like it, and.... i said something to someone....and that someone told him...and there was misinterpretation, and all hell broke loose.. all forms of communication was cut off.. and our friends had to take sides on this issue... and... yeh.. lets just say there was controversy.. i seriously thought my world would crumble AGAIN.. unrelated note: started taking accutane.. got my midterms, was devestated i didnt get 100% on any of my maths....
may: incredibly.. prayer does work... once again it proved itself.. i prayed for my friendship so much and it finally got solved... it made my bday so much better... as i stated in my blog previously, my bday and my prom were the two happiest days of the year....wow... friends can make it that way! huge sigh of relief for me there... oh, i had an isu presentation the day of my prom... nice eh? i looked like a total wreck for prom and i wanted to rip up every pic of prom that had me in it... i was so unsatisfied withmyself... got acceptance letters from mac, laurier, u of t downtown, u of t mississauga...
june: last day of school...wow, i had no emotion.... just took mad pics... friends who left the school came back for lunch, and it was quite fun! i studied like a madman the night before each of my 3 math exams.. i killed em all... good way to end high school.. met my softball team for the summer... got my rejection letter from queens... i got...so... angry with queens and myself... chose to attend mac after needing very little time to ponder...
july: was finally allowed to relax...got a membership to workout during the summer... ended a friendship... forced it really.. discovered aspects of myself via heated debate with friends..
august: went to way camp, and i was soooooooooo glad i went.... my best experience of the summer by far... ppl who were strangers became family... it was incredible... it was the perfect timing and everything.. it happened for a reason... had some serious late night talks at tim hortons with a friend.. those were priceless... you learn so much through friends.... i suffered a devestating loss in the softball tourney... i dwelled on that quite a bit... met some nice ppl through softball though... thats why i look forward to it every year now... got ready but didnt really for uni..
sept: frosh week wasnt as fun and hype as ppl told me it'd be... but maybe its cause i didnt go to the drinking and parties even though it was 2 ft away, in my living room... i didnt feel comfortable at first... but i gradually grew into it i guess... no real excitement.. didnt study, didnt read, didnt do homework...nadda, nothing.. finally finished using accutane after 5 tough months.. accutane takes its toll... and money... but its worth it.. if you're superficial like me..
october: midterms galore! thats all i have to say... not studying doesnt help.. uni aint high school.. you gotta actually study.... i found that out the hard way...
november: wasnt much fun academically.. fooled around and wasted a lot of time... i dunno why.... i only went home once this month and it was for my bro's bday.. dont remember much really.. oh, now i remember... i hit my head on the bus and then i started feeling dizzy and wanted to barf 4 hours after... i insist to this very moment the incident is completely irrelevant..
december: crammed like a madmen... i paid for it dearly... had a trip to cali, wasnt as eventful as i wanted it to be... spent many nights at church...hmmm... started reading Purpose Driven Life... and here i am..
this year really felt slow... i wouldnt be able to say this bout the other years... every year, my mom and all my friends and relatives talk bout how the year went fast, blah blah blah... how just this time last year, we were doing this, this, and that... but this year.. was.. really really slow... felt like forever... this was the longest year i've had since 2000... i keep relating this year back to y2k... its cause both these years changed me as a person.. the events didnt mirror one another, oh no, 2000 was much horribler, but i discovered more bout myself both these years...
death, zits, family, friendships, relationships, school, striving for perfection, all these things took its toll on me and taught me more bout God, life, and myself...
one of the few things that helped me through this year was Eminem... or his music i should say... i know, a lot of ppl tell me that he's a bad influence and a hater and whatnot, but i dont agree... his music really helped me.. his lyrics are really... i can really relate to his lyrics at time.. you know what makes eminem eminem? cause he raps bout life and troubles, while every other rapper raps bout money, drugs, girls, and cars... really, ppl say eminem raps bout killing his wife and hating gays.... but.. thats.. such a superficial analysis of what he's trying to represent... look deeper.. look at what he's REALLY trying to say/prove... pls..
changing from rap to rock.. and on to Christian music... excuse, i mean Christian lyrics... my favourite Christian band is One Cross.. WHO? you ask? they're called One Cross, found at http://onecross.net (which you can find in my section of links on the right side).. they've been a band since... a long time ago.. i got 2 of their CDs... they went to clarkson, was a friend of shawn's... think they're touring now.. i really think they're good... its their music that i listen to now mostly... i like some of their lyrics.. comforts me in some ways..
back to the year in review, i finished high school this year... 4 years of... ups and downs... ppl say high school's the best years of your lives and all that other BS.. well, it didnt apply to me anyways... friends were made, friends were lost in high school... why can i only remember the bad stuff? i guess when ppl make fun of me cause of my zits for the most part of my last year in high school, there's not much good stuff to remember.. that is why i went on accutane... i just couldnt take it anymore.. just SHUT UP bout it... but they didnt... to this day, ppl still dont shut up bout it even though it went away.. stuff like this shouldnt bother me, i shouldnt care, but it does bother me, and yes i do care.. everytime i see my relatives, the first thing they mention is something related to my zits.. like honestly, is there no other topic to talk bout????? i guess the only good thing bout it was that i became closer to God.. high school is very cruel..
uni, on the other hand, is not as cruel as high school... i can dress like a bum, look like a loser and still function fine... i guess ppl at uni are too busy studying or drinking to care how other ppl look or act.. which is good in a way... and everybody seems much more... mature.. for some reason... not that i'm saying i'm mature or anything, since that would contradict what everybody else thinks of me
i'm glad i chose mac for uni... originally i wanted queens... but from what i hear, i'm glad i didnt go... what did i hear? just the usual.. ask around and you'll find out.. my calc teacher in high school vowed not to recommend that school to anybody after i got rejected... i wonder if he kept his word... ppl at mac are quite nice and i've made a few friends here and there.. and i've been able to get reaquainted with a few old friends here and there, hehe..
but getting rejected by queens was very demoralizing to me... it seems that losing was quite a theme for me in 2003... i lost in almost everything i did... yet, thats what keeps me going.. i want to win, i want to.. be the best... i'm very competitive.. all this losing has taught me many things... i always had a saying to go by.. "one person cannot win it for the team, but one person can always lose it for the team"... and this was very true.. i must redeem myself... hence my 2004 theme is "redemption".. more on that in a little bit...
the best movie of the year were the two Matrix movies... i'm so into that.. it touches so many religious and philosophical apsects.. there's not enough time to clearly analyze all the issues and debate it deeply.. some may wonder why i have that long dialogue from Matrix Revolutions on the left... it's all because of Neo's 1 line.. "because i choose to"... this describes me as a person really well.. i keep fighting, keep battling, keep competing because i choose to... i keep persisting... everything i do, i choose to.. i cant blame others for my action, because it's my choice.. everything i do is my choice... this may sound bizarre to you, but if you're me, you understand me perfectly, haha.. so if you ever wonder why i do some of the things i do, just know that i CHOOSE to...
and what i CHOSE to do in 2003 (and the years before) was play with ppl's minds and feelings.. and thats not always cool.. actually, it's like.. never cool... since.. you know.. ppl get hurt and all... i've figured that out (or i've known all along but havent cared till now)... i'm sorry to all of you who got hurt by me... the ppl who got hurt know.. if they're reading this, then they know exactly what i'm talking bout... i've hurt... more than enough ppl to last me 10 lifetimes...
so that's my year in review.. long and probably unread.. but i dont care.. i'm a much better reader than writer as you can tell.. i'll just stop this and continue onto my webblogs stalking that i'm oh so good at.. my goal for 2004 is quite simple... be disciplined... thats all i ask from myself this year... and it's a year of redemption as well.. everything i lost in 2003, i must try my best to win in 2004... this is my MISSION..