Logic has no imagination
"Failing isn't the end of the world. Quitting is."
"At the end of this, no one will remember what you said. But people will remember what you do."
- Arthur Smith, C.E.O. of GS1 Canada
"i want what all men want. i just want it more."
- Kobe Bryant
"Heart is what separates the good from the great"
- Michael Jordan
only the struggle makes it worth it...
only the pain makes it sweet...
and only victory is the answer"
"When that blood gets riled up, you're still going to see some of what they say is immaturity."
"It's not what you know. It's what you can prove."
-Denzel Washington in Training Day
Kanye West - I Wonder
Find your dreams come true
And I wonder if you know
What it means, what it means
And I wonder if you know
What it means, what it means
And I wonder if you know
What it means to find your dreams
I've been waiting on this my whole life
These dreams be waking me up at night
You say I think I'm never wrong
You know what, maybe you're right, aight
You say he get on your fucking nerves
You hope that he get what he deserves, word
Do you even remember what the issue is
You just trying to find where the tissue is
You can still be who you wish you is
It ain't happen yet
And that's what the intuition is
When you hop back in the car
Drive back to the crib
Run back to their arms
The chokes and the screams
You ever wonder what it all really mean
And I'm back on my grind
A psychic read my lifeline
Told me in my lifetime
My name would help light up the Chicago skyline
And that's what I'm
Seven o'clock, that's primetime
Heaven'll watch, God calling from the hot lines
Why he keep giving me hot lines
I'm a star, how could I not shine
How many ladies in the house
How many ladies in the house without a spouse
Something in your blouse got me feeling so aroused
What you about
On that independent shit
Trade it all for a husband and some kids
You ever wonder what it all really mean
You ever wonder if you'll find your dreams
Sunday, January 30, 2005
I ACT LIKE SHIT DONT PHASE ME..
INSIDE IT DRIVES ME CRAZYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!
so another year has passed.. really quick.. seems like everybody says that every year..
i dont even really remember what happened from january-april.. just sat on my ass i think.. lost my scholarship.. really disappointed with myself
may-june was fun... 'worked', hahaha... but it was fun... got older.. the WPT started.. really had time to chill
july-august was kinda more hectic.. 'worked' less.. chilled less.. got REALLY REALLY sick.. i dont know why... dehydration? fainted... that really freaked me out cause... i didnt know what happened.. i just woke up and saw everyone crowded around me... 1 of the more freaky incidents in my life.. captained softball.. enjoyed that experience.. though i dont believe it's due to the winning... winning was a goal, yes.. but i was ok if we didnt win.. i would've been disappointed.. dont think i would've flipped out.. i really have a problem with ppl's perception of me.. of course, i shouldnt care bout how others see me.. but this bothers me i guess, dunno why.. ppl expect me to flip out when i lose... but i dont.. i get angry at myself for losing a lot of times, but i dont flip out.. i dont think im a sore loser.. perception errors? just because im competitive doesnt mean i'll do this or i'll do that.. i prefer to win.. losing hurts.. i've had my fair share of losses.. i can probably recount most of em... but losing is not the end of me.. i will come back and try to win again... in due time... i guess i just dont like my reputation... but what can i do if ppl dont confront me and just go by what they see and hear...
im the kind of person who confronts... i do not avoid problems.. i meet them head on.... or i attempt to.. im not politically correct either.. i dont laugh just to laugh.. i dont smile just to smile... i laugh when it's funny.. i smile when im happy.. not many things are funny, and not many things are happy to me.. but contrary to popular opinion, i do smile, and i do laugh.. my shell is still up, yes... but my shell is cracking by the day.. hopefully one day, i, along with the rest of the world, will see the real me.. cause i dont really know myself right now.. soul searching needs to be done
but back to softball, it was fun.. i enjoyed it.. only like 2 or 3 ppl in this league can get me fired up and hyped for a game or anything at all for that matter... i love it when im fired up.. i really have to thank the ppl who have the ability to do that to me.. im a lazy guy.. a loafer.. a slacker.. i need to break that habit.. i need constant reminder though.. blah.. there was this stretch where i played softball sunday, monday, tuesday, wednesday, saturday, sunday... it really killed me.. i was SO drained from it.. and i was kinda sick for most of that stretch.. but it was fun.. but so tiring.. it made me think.. do i really love it that much.. after the season was done, i immediately though, that was my last game.. ever.. i cant do this anymore.. im too tired, too drained.. i got nothing left to give... on a side note, it was the hair.. hahaha
the night before tournament, i couldnt sleep.. i went to bed round 130 and i just rolled around till 400 or so.. then i awoke around 600 or so.. i 've never had that much trouble sleeping before.. it was so weird.. anxiety? fear? excitement? the years before, i had no trouble sleeping at all.. i was excited, but no trouble like that... pressure? i have no clue.. but i was so drained the day of tournament.. if we didnt have the bye, i think i would've ran out of FueL (ha) by midafternoon.. i was running on andranaline most of the day.. totally exhausted.. but worth it i guess.. though i definitely could've improved my behaviour
then september, school started again.. i dreaded as usual.. made my perfect goals as usual.. couldnt attain them as usual.. perfection is a hard goal to reach.. i had to redeem myself though.. prove to myself that i can do it.. if i wanted it bad enough.. i had to will myself to do a lot of things.. i was also on committee for ccf, and i was excited for it.. i seeked leadership positions and i was offered them.. yet.. i was big time disappointed.. i tried my hardest, but.. maybe committee isnt cut out for me when it comes to spiritual stuff..
random story: so 1 of the 1st programs for ccf was a progressive dinner, going from house to house to eat.. that was cool.. we needed dessert and drinks, so me and my friend were sent out to get some stuff from no frills.. my friend had a meeting with his prof, so i had to go alone, no problem... i could do it.. so i walk the 3-5 kms to no frills and bought the stuff.. so im walking to the dessert house with 4 or 5 bottles of pop in my backpack and a cardboard box in my arms with more pop and a few tubs of ice cream.. they were heavy to say the least.. i had to stop like every minute to readjust my backpack and the box cause they were getting uncomfortable and slipping and it hurt my back.. walking behind me was another guy, with a backpack full of groceries and carrying a box with even more groceries while listening to his music... exact same situation as me.. we just looked at each other and smiled and laughed and just said 'no frills?'... random incidents like these make me smile.. but then what happens next doesnt make me smile.. we go our seperate ways.. im really beginning to tire and have to rest even more frequently.. and then this girl whom i know, and who knows me, walks by me without saying hi or anything... ppl would probably say 'oh, she probably didnt see you, etc'.. which to i say 'BS'.. she knows me, she was going to ccf as well, but she's really a jerk to me.. why? i dunno.. i try to be nice to her whenever i see her.. she plays in the softball league.. i dont necessarily like her as a person nor her boytoy nor her brother, but i try.. i try to be nice.. but stuff like this pisses me off.. especially when she tries to act nice to me in front of others... just be yourself, if you dont like me, i dont care, dont be fake.. you faker
i dont really enjoy ccf this year.. it's really a burden.. being on committee is probably the reason why i dont enjoy it.. blah.. no defined role.. false sense of unity via laughter.. man.. i guess i just dont mesh well in it.. it's not my environment.. i try hard to get stuff done with the froshes.. it's just tough on me when ppl on committee challenge my spirituality.. im not that great spiritually.. not very spiritually mature
academic-wise, 2nd year's been easier.. probably cause i've had a year's experience and just more aware this year.. i dont think about tests or exams after i'm done them.. i just think bout the next one.. when i tell ppl this when they ask me how the test/exam was, they automatically assume that i did poorly.. well, i didnt do poorly, i just dont wanna talk bout it.. thats how i work.. ppl like to assume im stupid i guess.. oh well.. i could've done better this year... but i can always do better.. just gotta learn and improve.. learn and improve...
my 1st major injury occured the 1st day of november.. at night, during 3 on 3 bball intramurals.. i went up for a rebound, landed sideways on my foot HARD on someone's foot and i heard 3 cracks.. like knuckle cracks.. then i was down and i couldnt get up if i tried.. i immediately thought it was broken... but it was a moderate to high sprain 'only'.. the time since then has been so painful.. not being able to do what i love... it must feel like how my friends feel like when they break up with their wives or boytoys... the temptation to play again was too great though.. the doctors had to do xrays twice to see if i had any fractures that they didnt detect... the diagnosis was 4-6 weeks rest with ice and stuff.. after 3 weeks, i deemed myself at 60-80% and good to go again for intramurals.. especially since it was playoff time.. ended up playing and losing in the finals.. that's ok since we did kinda poorly in the regular season.. but then.. my foot and ankle REALLY hurt and i was out once again.. this time, i had to get an aircast.. still wearing it now... didnt play since the intramural finals.. i learned my lesson... until Christmas break.. my friend invited ppl to all day ball at his church.. i was gonna go till my friend backed out cause he didnt feel like it.. thats cool, maybe it's God telling me i shouldnt play.. next day.. being new year's eve, my friend got a gym and we played some 4 on 4.. am i stupid or what.. my body was telling me not to play beforehand.. but i didnt listen to myself... that is indeed rare.. so hour and a half in, im cutting towards the basket from the weak side, got a nice pass and went up for a layup, bumped into my friend on the other team, landed on his foot with my good ankle, and i was down again.. my first thought was OOH MY!! @#@(#%^(#!*%(!(!!!!!!!! so i was down and out again.. the story of my life.. my friends have seen this before.. i think they couldnt believe what just happened... carried me off and i sat out.. yet, i tried to play again... stubborness is not always a good uh.. characteristic.. i think i further injured it by playing right away... blah.. my right leg sucks now as well cause i overcompensated for not using my left leg as much.. now both my legs are screwed... MAN! someone slap me everytime im stupid..
BUT... i do learn sometimes.. as i was getting ready to go out last night, my body told me no.. dont go.. im like what the hell? the more i was getting ready, the stronger the feeling.. then im like.. screw it.. listen to myself please.. and i stayed home.. not exciting, but i enjoyed my time at home..
i enjoyed 2004... i refuse to believe it's 2005, but what can ya do.. this world doesnt revolve round me..
i gotta stop being weak though.. must control myself... priorities.. what are my priorities.. man.. i dont know what my priorities are anymore.. what i think and what i do.. man... they must be the same.. talk is cheap... is this just all formalities? destiny? or free will.. is the ball in my court.. or did i foul out already.. it's like a yellow light... go through... or stop.. somebody make a decision for me.. my indecisiveness sucks.. or is it not a priority
on a side note, im the shaq of euchre... haha.. i love euchre.. why didnt my highschool have a tournament? then i could help cwebb get a championship.. i mean, then cwebb could leach one off me..
i have some goals for the new year... i promise not to be stupid.. i promise not to be an ass.. i promise not to pretend to be an ass... please hold me accountable... please..
i just had a revelation tonight.. whats the chances... wont reveal that here
there's much soul searching to do this year... in search of my true self...